ATACAMA CROSSING TM 2007 The Jou

Posted March 2, 2007

Firstly an apology … sorry. Right, that’s got that out of the way and now for something completely different. Don’t you just love Monty Python ………..?

Well, we had a bad start to this month too, only this time not from a training point of view, more a morale point of view. The Auld Enemy, or England as they are probably better known to you, beat us at rugby. I think it was something like 42:20, or some other small marginal win. It’s always sore to lose to that lot, even at tiddly winks, but to lose at rugby is a real kicking. It’s always interesting reading the English press after these games. Apparently, Scotland scored two “opportunist tries” … and what great opportunities they were by Simon Taylor and Robert Dewey. One week later we took on the Welsh and in a game that consisted of only penalty scores we won 21:9 … mind you, when Jonny Wilkinson is at his best the English will tell you a win’s a win. On the 24^th Italy came to Fortress Murrayfield and we had what I can only describe as a very bad day ... I don’t wish to say any more about that day except to say that England got gubbed 43:13, doesn’t matter who did it, fact is England got gubbed and it took the heat off our gubbing … never thought I’d ever say thanks to an English sporting team let alone the English Rugby team.

I got into training this month and as soon as I did things went haywire … or skiwiff as my mum would say. We did an exhibition (it would have been easier had it been an expedition but there we are) from Sunday 11^th for 4 days. It’s not the 4 days of standing on your feet that gets me, nor is it the 4 days of tidying up constantly. I don’t even mind the 4 days of rushing about or the 4 days of shorts lunch breaks … it’s the 4 days of smiling and being nice to people that really kills me. “Hello, how are you” and you have to say it as if you really care. I’m sure on the odd occasion I gave it away and said “Who cares how you are as long as you buy my stuff, ya big fat face”. Then I got a day to get things together and on Friday 16^th and Saturday 17^th we were running a youth rugby tournament. It was a roaring success and the kids loved it, we must have had near 3,000 people there over the 2 days and some fantastic sponsors including us … our own company. So Mrs Mac and I were not only sponsors and proud parents but part of the organizing gang as well, a busy weekend. It’s important to have something like that for the young kids because they must feel great being on the pitch getting cheered by such a large crowd and then being presented with their medals. It gives them a big thrill and something to remember whatever they do and where ever they go.

Then, of course, at the end of the exhibition it was Valentine’s Day, it was on the 14^th this year for some strange reason and I was supposed to do 8k’s that day. Mrs Mac told me I’d better do something romantic this year or I was getting the flip flop (that’s the dirty end of her flip flop shoe slapped over the shiny end of my head in rapid succession). Anyway, I sacrificed my training schedule and took her out to a chill out lounge on the beach where you can sit on big soft sofas or lounge out on loungers and just, well, chill out. Fantastic, real chill out factor 10, I was so chilled out I fell asleep for over an hour. I’m hoping she’ll be talking to me again before next Valentine’s Day. Flip flop or what?

This month I don’t like Dentists – that’s in addition to the England rugby team. I got braces fitted to my upper and lower teeth and they hurt. Did I say hurt? Effing sore they are! I had to get it done as a result of my Dakar Rally crash and it was either that or they wanted to operate and break my jaw (again!) to reset it. I’m sitting here thinking the operation might have been the better option … the pain would have been and gone in less that a week. I got ‘blockers’ in so that I couldn’t shut my mouth … fanbloomintastic! I can’t shut up and I’ve got an excuse! I have to be careful with my food as well because of it though. Anything that requires chewing is out. Anything that requires slurping is in. I’ve been living on tins of soup, soggy bread and yogurts since the braces were fitted. Mrs Mac is a disaster in the kitchen but my mom made the best home made Scotch Broth ever! Unfortunately the lovely woman is no longer with us and she didn’t leave her recipe so we’ll have to go for second best. Does anybody know a good Scotch Broth recipe? Better still, does anybody know a good Scotch Broth cook? Answers on a postcard please to ……….

Captain Jack from my tent on the Sahara Race is a bit miffed at my lack of respect to his profession. As a lawyer I thought he would be used to that but he has asked that I don’t tell any bad lawyers jokes this month. Jokes like;

What’s the difference between a Rottweiler bitch and a female lawyer?

Lipstick!

Well, apparently they are not acceptable to the average legal mind … I don’t think the Rottweiler Society would be too happy about it either. However, I really chuckle at the more subtle ones like;

How can you tell that a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving!

Why did God invent snakes before lawyers?

To practice!

Why do sharks not attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy!

But not this month, we’ll give lawyers a rest and let Captain Jack sleep easy … that’ll be a first for a lawyer.

Sorry, a word about training … I did start to talk about it but I got side tracked. Normally I’m not easily side tracked but it appears that whilst sitting at my desk pretending to be doing lots of work and typing furiously at my keyboard (one finger fired at a rapid rate) I am … easily side tracked that is. So, a word about training. What about it? Oops, that was three words. I’ll give you one word … bloody hard. Oh, that was two. Right, I think the best thing to do is copy my training schedule onto the blog on a monthly basis; a sort of “And this is how not to do it” move. Although actually it should be “How to do it, only please try and follow the advice given” … or at least have a go at it. I’ll try and give as much info on it as possible … might as well write something about training somewhere along the way. After all this is my training blog! And what a fine blog you got me into this time Stanley! No really, these guys are my favourite … Laurel and Hardy, such funny guys, timing is perfection with them. Side tracked again.

Sadly, I had to part company with Stride4Life this month which is a great pity coz they were there for me during my Sahara Race training and it is a great group. Unfortunately the early morning training has been re-arranged to another part of the city and the evening training just doesn’t suit me. You have to find the time that’s right for you. You either fit the training into your lifestyle or you re-arrange your lifestyle into your training. I get up around 6am, usually in the office by 8am and work till 5pm or 6pm. By the time I get home I just want to put the kids to bed, read them a story then lie on the couch and relax … not do a quick change and go out jogging. I enjoy the early morning training. I like getting up early and jogging or going to the gym for a good work out but that’s what works for me. You need to find what works for you and go for it. I need to go back to early morning sessions but do them by myself from now on. Gary Gaiters calls me Paul Panties after my December Blog (steroids?) but now I think we can change that to Norman No Friends the Jelly Jogger!

I’m not too sure about my measurements either … no, not the 36-24-36 type (only to be fair that’s not exactly my measurements – unless we’re talking head, neck and shoulders) I mean the running measurements. Am I doing 5k’s or am I doing slightly less? Or more? Or what? I’m going to open the box, the Garmin box, and read the instructions. That way, allegedly, I can get exact measurements and a lot of useful information besides … don’t know what to do with said information but isn’t it nice to have it? No?

Here goes with the training schedule, I think it’s quite self explanatory but if anybody has any questions as to the set up, configuration or material input of it all then please ask a grown up. Or if you want one of your own ask Jeff Galloway on www.jeffgalloway.com

And a few words about eating … I’m still doing it.

DAY	DATE	DETAILS & DISTANCE ASSIGNED	DISTANCE ACTUALLY RAN & TIME	R/W/R	P/P/M	BP	COMMENTS
Sat	10-Feb	4k	6.30pm - 4k/24mins	3r 1w	6min/k		Football pitch. Walk 1 short side, run rest. Good strong run.
Sun	11-Feb					120/80	Took BP after breakfast.
Mo	12-Feb	6k	7pm - 6k/34mins	3r 1w	5.7min/k		7am took a 35mins walk. Good run round football pitch. Walk 1 short side, run rest.
Tue	13-Feb	Gym work	Chest, back, biceps & abs				Good to be back in the gym.
We	14-Feb	8k	Nil				Valentine's Day, had to make some effort.
Thu	15-Feb	Gym work	Nil				Late night, long lie in.
Fri	16-Feb						Working at rugby tournament 8am - 8.30pm. Heavy day, very tired
Sat	17-Feb	10k	Nil				Working at rugby tournament 8am - 6.30pm. Another heavy day.
Sun	18-Feb					116/81
Mo	19-Feb	5k	Nil
Tue	20-Feb	Gym work	Shoulders, triceps & abs. 7.30pm 4k/26min	3r 1w	6.5min/k		Good gym session. Don't think my measurements are perfect, will start to use Garmin to be more precise.
We	21-Feb	14k	Nil				Heavy day, very tired. Missed Pink Floyd concert in favour of early bed.
Thu	22-Feb	Gym work - cancelled gym in favour of early morning run	6.30am - 6k/44mins	3r 1w	7.3min/k		Missed gym in favour of early morning run. Good run, 6k's, legs felt okay.
Fri	23-Feb	Gym work - rearranged from yesterday	Upper body				1pm - gym for 1 hour. Good session. Had a lazy day by pool rest of day. Out a night.
Sat	24-Feb	5k	12noon - 8k/1hr 5mins	3r 1w	8.1min/k		Used Garmin 305 for 1st time, good kit. Quite sunny/hot - 27'. Legs a bit heavy.
Sun	25-Feb						Coaching at kids rugby 5.45pm to 7pm.
Mo	26-Feb	5k					Legs quite heavy for 1st K but eased off for remaining 2k.
Tue	27-Feb	Gym work	Upper body				Good work out, felt fine.
We	28-Feb	18k	Nil				Worked from 8am to 10.30pm so no time. I will re-arrange gym to Friday and fit in run tomorrow … honest!

R/W/R = Run Walk Ratio

P/P/M = Pace Per Minute

BP = Blood Pressure

Alba gu Brath!!!

NOTES FROM WALLACE BEAR :

If there’s any lawyers out there with the idea to take legal action please remember he’s skint, absolutely stoney broke, not a penny to his name. There’s no point in any law suit getting fired in his direction, he’ll only fire it straight back with butter and jam on it. I think he’s insulted just about everybody by now but if you haven’t been done yet please check out next months thrilling installment. I can’t wait … time for a bear nap.

Check out my Wallace Bear Photo Page coming soon.

Don’t forget, you can buy me on http://www.autism-in-scotland.org.uk/merchandise/Merchandisepage.shtml#Wallace and the money goes to a great cause, the Scottish Society for Autism. A special offer on this month, buy a Wallace Bear and I’ll send extra special Bear Hugs with it.

January 2007 Entry

Posted February 14, 2007

A very Happy New Year to all and sundry! To the old hands, the new guys or those just thinking of competing in a 4 Deserts Challenge, I hope 2007 is a great one for you. May it bring you health, wealth and happiness … and a few nice wee surprises along the way.

Apparently Gary Baron is reveling in his new role as kit inventor and now wishes to be known as Gary Gaiters. Gary is an ex Sea Captain and now works in shipping. By all accounts he was a very good Sea Captain and was well respected by his crew. However, there was one thing different about Gary (as he was known then … you know, pre Gaiters). Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious, they believed it was a treasure map. When Gary retired and went to his land job he left the envelope in the safe. The first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters, opened the safe, got the envelope out, opened it and read ... "Port Left, Starboard Right." Yer secret’s out Gary!

I haven’t had a great start to 2007 but, coming from the land of the Reverend I M Jolly, is that a shock? That cold and chesty cough I had, turned out to be viral bronchitis and if you haven’t broken down into sympathetic floods of tears already I then got a lung infection. I had to go to the doctors, which I normally don’t like doing, and he gave me medication, which I actually hate doing. When I say “medication” I mean Steroids and Antibiotics … Antibiotics are bad enough but I was a bit concerned about taking the Steroids. I mean what if I grew boobs and had to compete in the woman’s section? Not as easy as it seems because I don’t know my bra size never mind finding a pair of frilly knickers to fit my fat arse!

Anyway, I was more than 5 weeks out of training and by the time I started again my schedule was set back another 3 weeks which meant I was now at least 8 weeks behind. I suppose the good news is that firstly, I’ll make it back quite quickly and secondly, if you’re going to get ill and stop training you might as well do it over the Christmas and New Year period. That’s the time of the year when everybody slacks off a little anyway … I’ll just pretend I had a huge Christmas this year! My first run of the year was 29^th January and I didn’t get to the gym, not a good start.

My wife though, has been working hard. She’s been trying to save the economy … that’s been out in the January sales to you and me. And my daughter? How do you tickle a Princess? Gucci! Gucci! Gucci!

Anyway, while I was off ill my taste buds were all shot to pieces and I was eating a fair bit of rubbish so I was concerned about my weight. I usually eat quite well … at least I don’t eat a lot of rubbish, I just eat loads of what I think is good food. So before starting back training I weighed myself just to check. That was a drama by itself because I’ve never managed to work out this kilo’s nonsense and the weighing scales only do kilos … or so I thought. And getting an answer out of the stupid machine was another thing, it kept coming up as fault and couldn’t tell me my weight in any language. Apparently, according to my weight watcher wife, you have to touch it with your toes, wait for a moment until the screen shows zero and jump, gently onto the scales. How the flaming heck does a flumpty stone muppet jump gently? What a sight that was. Anyway, after a fair bit of tip toeing and gentle jumping I managed to weigh in at 95 kilos. “What’s that in real weight?” I’m asked. “How the heck do I know? It only does kilos!” I reply. “Try turning the button at the back to pounds” I’m told. Oops!So it’s 15stone 3pounds and I’m quite happy with that … for now. Oh sorry, for the sake of our American readers who can’t divide by 14, that’s 212 pounds. What’s my target weight? I suppose fourteen and a half would be nice. I wouldn’t want to end up like that fat cow Kate Moss … I don’t know how she suffers it.

Talking of big people, I have a friend in Glasgow (I actually have 2 but let me talk about them one at a time) who makes a living as a stand up comedian. Big Patrick, he’s a really funny guy. One night at a show a heckler cut in and called him a fat ba$t@rd and my friend shot him down with, “Hey, I train five days a week just to be a fat ba$t@rd! What’s your excuse?”

So, in short, I haven’t anything to report for this month. This is, after all, just a jaded attempt at sympathy seeking from an unsympathetic reader who wallows in the bathtub of adventure racing. If there is such a thing.

Talking of bathtubs … A visitor at an asylum asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?

Alba gu Brath!!!

NOTES FROM WALLACE BEAR :

To those of you who have not already been insulted by Mac, please be patient. I know he’s trying his hardest to get round to you all. And Cathy, you were warned.

Check out my Wallace Bear Photo Page coming soon.

December 2006 Entry

Posted February 9, 2007

THE RANTINGS OF CHAIRMAN MAC

So there I am, minding my own business, when an email arrives on my doorstep … I usually keep the laptop out at the front door, I’m a traditionalist at heart and hate the idea that modern technology will kill the art of the postman’s knock. Anyway, I digress … and it’s just the first paragraph? Boy, does that tell you something or what?

So there I was, and the email was from Cathy Cole. She was asking if I’d do a training journal come blog come waffle type thing … she was obviously desperate and I was her last choice. I told my wife with a certain amount of pride (I didn’t mention the ‘desperate’ or ‘last choice’ bits). “What?” She said, “Does this girl know you? There’s no chance you’ll do that properly. It’ll be a load of useless, embarrassing waffle”.

Well, here goes with December’s useless, embarrassing waffle:

Firstly, let me introduce you to my team … my backup team, the guys who are going to ensure that I get to Atacama in a fit and healthy state … well, on two legs, that don’t necessarily work together (or at all) but do go one in front of the other with the odd side step, shuffle, ball, change. Now is that tap or ballroom? Sorry, just showing off with the old Fred Astaire reference. Right, where was I? My team, in no particular order of taste, touch or ability:

In the gym I am under the watchful eye of the very competent Andre. He’s a personal trainer and champion triathlete … unfortunately he doesn’t look like me or I could have shoved him into the race in my place.
On the jogging side Debbie and Leyla are there for me very early in the mornings with www.strideforlife.com – well somebody has to be.
My training and preparation are being carefully planned by former Olympic Gold Medalist and world renowned distance running coach Jeff Galloway www.jeffgalloway.com – he’s the guy who kicked off the run/walk method.
Rosemary at the Physiotherapy Clinic is going to keep the muscles sweet and the joints bending … mind you, she didn’t promise they’d bend in the right direction.
I don’t have a masseur or masseuse yet but the lead up to the Sahara Race showed that weekly massage is one of the most important things in the preparation.
My eating and nutritional intake is being looked after by Dr Sean Penny www.dubaihtc.com – don’t mention carrot cake to him, he’s deadly serious.
Technical training and general advice is coming from John & James Falchetto at www.mountain-extreme.com – half Italian half Scottish brothers. These guys have got style and balls, you should see them in their kilts!
I don’t have a Chiropractor yet but am looking for a sympathetic and experienced British or Australian qualified one. Any volunteers?
But I do have a Chiropodist, Dr Milena, to attend to my sore, over worked, pretty darn tickly and very smelly feet. She’s a girl with a soft touch and a gentle nature … but she worries me every time she looks at my feet with that puzzled look and says, “I don’t know how they managed it.” Who “they” are and what “they” “managed” I’ll never know.
And finally, my general health and Gaelic language coaching is being given by my very good friend, former boxer and now one of the top UK boxing promoters, Alex Morrison. Well you can’t go all the way to Atacama and not swear in your mother tongue. Alex hails from Skye (that’s God’s country to you) and is one of life’s gentlemen.

Why, you might ask, do I need such a large and ungainly group of experts (‘ex’ as in ‘has been’ and ‘spert’ as in ‘a little dod of water under pressure’) to get me to Atacama? A very good question and I’ll tell you why. Because this old bag of bones is such a mess that they won’t make it on their own. I need all the medical support I can get and more.

I haven’t got a shrink … the last two I used don’t answer their fones anymore. I do, though, seriously believe these adventure races are mostly determined in the mind of the individual athlete. If you want to do it, really want to and are determined to, then you will. Someone who is super fit and not mentally prepared will not make it; there are too many obstacles in the way. However, someone who is fairly fit and mentally tough and prepared, will have a better chance. I completed the Sahara Race in October/November 2006 with only about 8 weeks training. I was neither physically fit, nor physically prepared for it but I was mentally up for it and would not accept failure. In the end I was proved right because I finished the course without putting myself or anyone else in danger and no small thanks to the fantastic volunteers, the amazing medical staff and Andy Chalmers who covered every step of the way with me.

Given the full story I was happy to get there, compete and finish … that was what I went for and the fact that I had great fun was just an added bonus. I kicked off 2006 on the 1^st January with an attempt at the Dakar Rally (previously known as the Paris/Dakar) as the first ever Scottish team in the history of the rally. We had a great time and got some good positions, top UK team on 5 stages and in Stage 9 we finished 20^th fastest, a great result by any means. However, disaster struck after Stage 11 when we were making our way to the camp and my co-pilot was driving. I wasn’t wearing any seatbelt as I was in Kike’s seat and at 80kph the steering column jammed and we hit a concrete block sending the car flying into the air and somersaulting. I got a fractured skull, a broken jaw and three cracked ribs as well as 34 stitches to the face and head and was casivac’d to Bamako field hospital by helicopter and from there to Paris by plane. It was a fantastic experience and I have to go back and finish that job some year soon but I took a while to recover properly and didn’t do any training until my preparation for the Sahara.

During my eight weeks training I concentrated on running only, no gym work or anything else in case of injuries or complications. I increased my time and distance every week and got myself mentally tuned into the task ahead. My only fall down was the choice of shoes. I went to Run and Become in London and got fitted with a fantastic pair of running shoes which did a great job during training and then let every ounce of sand in the Sahara Desert thro my shoes, into my sox and rubbed my feet. From day one I was in severe pain from the blisters and had to stop at every check point to have my blisters bled and my bandaging reset. I got a ‘Good Boy’ badge from the medical staff who gave me a med kit to do my own blister bleeding and I became something of an expert in blisters during my journey.

This year I will learn the lessons. I’ve ordered and been fitted for a pair of shoes from Addidas and I’ll give them a go. Your feet are measured up and you chose the colours and a few other choices. Mine are blue and white with a dark grey sole but, most importantly, a closed mesh front. That means, if I use a good pair of gaiters, no sand. They look good too; I even got BRAVEHEART printed down the side stripes on the outside of each shoe.

The only other thing I would change from the Sahara is the choice of food. I left that till the last minute and couldn’t get any decent or proper food so I had to make do with supermarket stuff. The Mash I didn’t mind, the packs of tuna and salmon I could handle but if I ever see another Pot Noodle in my life I’ll scream. Water is hard to drink in luke warm state so I’ll be taking these vitamin c tablets just to give it a bit of taste. You also get fed up with the energy drinks so I think a couple of different flavours are needed. The best thing to take for the evening is cup-a-soups because they are a different flavour again, they are warm and as you add a full mug of water you’re re-hydrating. I had at least two per night. Some sweets are a good idea, gums or sucky sweets … but not a bar of chocolate. Crisps, nuts or pretzels are also good for the evening plus they also encourage you to drink a bit more.

It’s amazing the characters you meet on a 4 Deserts race, these are the guys who keep you going and put a smile on your face just when it seems you’ve had enough. There are experts in every aspect of adventure running and everyone is happy to help you, give you advice or just a little encouraging word. Some of these guys know every detail of their daily food intake (calories, proteins etc) and one guy, Larry from New Zealand, has a spreadsheet that shows his training, food intake etc and he can plan his way up to the big race with perfection. Gary Baron from my tent invented these gaiters that I now see in the Racing the Planet shop – he also put this link on the internet of the NBC coverage of the Sahara Race http://www.mega-file.net/video/view.php?video=146d66e1dc369fd879199d62f5c13066. This is the guy who had one of these wrist held Garmin GPS systems which set off an alarm on every mile he walked. Why? Because every time the alarm went off Gary would reach into his secret pouch and award himself a jelly baby … the things you do to keep going? For the Atacama Crossing my first challenge is to find Gary’s Secret Pouch … answers on a postcard please to …

Another guy from my tent Jack Fierstadt, has recovered from serious injury to take part in adventure and long distance racing. His story is remarkable and it takes a real tough guy to come thro what he did, they should make a movie or a documentary on him. Robert Redford could play his father, Kurt Russel could play the present day Jack, Russel Crowe could play him at the time of the accident and if they’re looking for a young Jack, with a bit of voice coaching I’m sure I’d be ideal … he, he, sorry Jack. But seriously, his story makes my couple of bumps and bruises in the Dakar pale into poor insignificance.

Jack’s also a top lawyer. I got up one morning and said to him, “Jack, can I ask you a question?” “Sure,” he replied, “But I normally charge $500 for 3 questions.” “Gosh” I said, “Isn’t that quite a lot?” “Of course it is” he replied. “Now, what was your final question?” He was in court with a client of his, a pick pocket, for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." Jack stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes, there’s a bus stop outside."

It’s a real pleasure to compete with guys like Gary and Jack and I think we were all very lucky to have been put in the same tent. Actually, we had a great tent and all the guys contributed to the atmosphere. John was our guard, he slept just outside the tent door every night and his wife was Nurse Cratchet so we got preference at the Med Tent. Michael was a Canadian with Scottish ancestry which I suppose accounts for half of Canada. Jeff, another Canadian, has an alternative medicine surgery back home and specializes in Chinese medicine – he had some great, if not unusual advice. Jeff’s girlfriend was a volunteer and a great kid. Patrick was a strong quiet guy but a good team member, always quick to encourage and congratulate. Dr John was the Mr Happy of the tent, always had a big smile on his face. Rossa was a big Irish lad who finished in the best place of all of us. And, of course, Jack and Gary made up our numbers. I’ve only got one thing to say to them … “Watch out for the box!” Sorry, tent joke.

I had to go to London this month and I either caught something there (and who doesn’t) or on the plane and as a result I haven’t trained since December 20^th. I’ve got a cold/flu/chesty thingy and it’s driving me potty. I’m the world’s worst patient and hate being ill. I’m coughing and spluttering, am bad tempered and am moaning all the time … at least when I’m better I’ll stop coughing and spluttering. Well, for those of you who missed that, it was my way of sneaking in the fact that I didn’t do any training for the last third of December. I’ll get started soon, once this bug clears up. Honest I will … the motivation’s there … somewhere … if you look hard enough.